Tic Tac Sir?

Ok, Ferrero manufactures Tic Tacs for a reason, and it's not just because they're shiny.

I know I'm not the only person in the world who makes a conscious effort to make sure that if I'm going to be speaking to someone close, that my breath is at least somewhat presentable. The real problem is really just a few bad apples, and for them; because of them, I have developed a scale

1: Minty! Congratulations, you just brushed your teeth, swished around some listerine, are chewing some gum or found those tic tacs rattling around in your backpack. You get an imaginary gold star.

2: Stale! This is neutral. Your breath is neither good, nor bad. The gum in your mouth could use a refresher, but you're not offensive. We appreciate this as much as number one, sometimes more than one because it's never too far out of hand if it's stale.

3. Dairy! Yay, believe it or not, but locally we rarely notice this. We here in the USA eat a lot of dairy, so when someone comes in smelling of old dairy this barely registers. So, cereal eaters of the world unite, grab your spoons and chow down.

4. Coffee Breath! I'll be the first to admit, coffee smells pretty good when it's freshly on the pot. Coffee, however, does NOT! Smell good when it's passed halfway through your digestive system and the protest of the consumption thereof is the only thing left in your mouth. Aged mouth coffee smells pretty horrible. Please, if you drink coffee, think of the children.

5. Smoker Breath! Whether it be last week's weed, or this week's camels, smoke breath is pretty bad, and no, menthol cigs don't help the situation at all. I don't care if you smoke, by all means in fact, but if you just huffed a pack before walking into my office. Please, for the love of everything holy, take a breather, chew some gum, swallow some juice, but don't just walk in .000329 seconds after you tossed the butt. If you ignore that, can you please not lean closer to me with every single word you speak?

6. Anti-Dentite! For whatever reason, you have decided that dental hygine is a bunch of malarky. Floss? What is that? It's for between your teeth, although, I will agree that setting up a midnight trip line in the bathroom to snag a pesky roommate is fun, please try it out. You only bleed the first few times. It DOES get better. For all parties involved. Toothpaste isn't just for staining white lettering into peoples' cars, try a little up-down/side-side/wax-on wax-off on those pearly whites, it does more than polish! Last, but most definitely not least, listerine! Not just a cheap substitue for booze, but an oral antiseptic. That burning feeling? Yeah, that's millions of stink causing bacteria crying out in pain and clawing for a safe haven in your now cleaner mouth... What? Why? Oh, fine! It's not really that, but anywhere that burns is a place in your mouth that it's reaching and therefore killing off the stinkies.

7. What just crawled into your mouth and died?! As the name suggests, something ain't right, and as much sorrow I feel that it's 'natural' that still doesn't explain the lack of gum or the afore mentioned tic tacs. I also don't really care if you broke Outback's: "Who-can-down-64-ounces-of-almost-still-mooing-beef?" record. Something tells me that after your little stint last night neither floss nor toothpast, let alone listerine was used last night. Yeah, your mouth smells like the skunk you passed along the freeway here. By the way, you're still wearing your bib.

8. Uncontrollable Gag Reflex?! I'm quite sure you tried gum, but anything short of depleated uranium melts in your mouth and dribbles out the side. The sad part? You're completely oblivious. This happens so often that you gave up long ago and have since come to terms with the ticking biological weapon in your mouth. I'm pretty sure the next biological catastrophe won't be an accidental government super flu escapee, nor will it be some terrorist plot. Zombie day will occur when you accidentally (or purposefully, who's counting?) bite someone on the arm.

That's it. No 10, after 8 it doesn't seem to matter anymore. Please, keep wrigly's, Ferrero, Life Savers, and trident in business and spend your pocket change on something that will aid society today.